Wednesday 9 April 2014

LOL or Is Anyone Actually Reading This?

I'm writing this today for my friend who is recovering in hospital.
I learned yesterday that he regularly reads my blog.
I'm still in shock.
Here's why:

A) Because the word 'regular' is not in my vocabulary (outside of the bathroom), nor is that word reflective of the inconsistency of my blog entries

and B) WHAT??!  Someone out there is actually READING this??  This changes EVERYTHING!  I mean, here I've been spilling out stream-of-consciousness silliness and although, yes, this is a public medium, it didn't really occur to me that anyone out there might read what I have to say.  How terrifying (and thrilling??).  Someone out there is paying attention.  We do that so rarely nowadays.  So much stuff is competing for our time.  In any case, now I actually have to write.  I owe it to my one faithful follower.
So Paul, this one's for you.

There are two titles to today's post.  Because I cover two topics.  And because, let's be honest, my favourite part of writing is coming up with catchy and creative titles.  No deep insights required, no time commitment or follow-through, simply a quick stroke of genius and a snappy headline.  Perfect.  My pace exactly.  If I ever write a book...scratch that.  WHEN I write my book this year (you read it here first!) it will go by multiple names.  I already have five of them.  Kind of like the way my friend Zhiish has seven names for each of her dogs.  And three for each of her beautiful daughters.  None of which, incidentally, are listed on their birth certificates.
Zhiish's pal Kenzie, DaKin, D.K., 'The Big White Horse', etc. featured here celebrating Hallowe'en in her fave bee costume

So - on to the other topic of today's post: LOL!
If there's one thing I love (add it to a list of a million other things) it's laughing out loud.
Ideally in public.
Inappropriately and out of control.
In the confined space of a plane next to a total stranger just about beats all.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate the authors of books who are able to elicit this from me.
The most recent is Susan Juby. I'm in the Denver airport.  I spent my flight from Calgary in bursts of jubilant laughter, interrupted only by bathroom breaks and my friendly Texan seatmate. 
It happened approximately once every two pages.
I mean, this woman is good.
Listen to this.  In describing an 11-year old girl who arrives at the farm, she writes,

'Her little face was all blank and unimpressed, like a Baptist minister running into the local whore at the bank.' 

Ah, to write like that.  I do plan to assimilate her brilliant use of similes.  And I'll admit, I opened this book with some hesitation - I mean, it takes a really special someone to make me laugh like this.  I can count on one hand the winners:

1. Flavia DeLuce - 11-year old chemist and comic.  Brilliant.

2. Terry Fallis - Who knew that Canadian political humour could crack me up??  It did.

and the very best: 3. The Rosie Project, wherein our hero engages in a wife-hunting mission, completely with a 169 point questionnaire...

My current favourite!

And now to close.
If you're reading this, let me know.
I want to know who you are and if what I write will affect my future job prospects.
I actually viewed this whole blogging thing as a form of journal writing until this week.
I just read the following line in the Woefield Poultry Collective.  The young punk who's just moved to the farm whines about the lack of internet access at the farm.  He hates having to update his multiple blogs in public places.  He says,

'I hated trying to update in public.  Blogging should be a private activity, not that different from taking a crap'.

I burst out in uncontrollable laughter.  I can totally relate.

So, dear reader, in order to differentiate this activity from taking a crap, I urge you to keep on reading.  And let me know that you're out there!

(And by the way, if you really are out there, please comment back to recommend some hilarious, laugh-out-loud books.  At the rate I'm racing through the Woefield Poultry Collective, I'm going to need something new by tomorrow.  Either that, or you're going to be pounded by a barrage of blog posts in my post-book boredom.  It's really up to you.)


  1. Ha ha...awesome post Hezzie.

    I can vouch for the following statement...
    "If there's one thing I love (add it to a list of a million other things) it's laughing out loud.
    Ideally in public.
    Inappropriately and out of control.
    In the confined space of a plane next to a total stranger just about beats all."

    See below photo:

    Laughing out loud. Public. Plane.

    2009 en route to see Micheal Franti in California. Heather wearing a bicycle helmet on the plane on a dare. Awesome.

    xo, z

  2. Hahahahaha!!
    Zhiish - I'd nearly forgotten that - we are hilarious!
    Thanks for sharing :)
    You're da bomb,

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